My dearest Luhan, this is not goodbye. this is just a new beginning.
I love you always.
I read once about a classmate of luhan’s who said ‘when he’s feeling down, he’ll find somewhere to be alone, where no one can find him.’ this is just the type of person he is. in the years i have supported luhan, he is the most selfless idol i have ever come across, forever helping others. but now is the time where luhan needs to help himself.
The more I contemplate, the more I realise that this is the right thing for Luhan to do. It is undeniable that exo’s work load ahead will continue to be extremely strenuous and exhausting into next year, with new albums and even a Japanese debut. Even with a prolonged rest, Luhan really shouldn’t have to be put back into that environment only for his health that he tried so hard to recover from to worsen again. Even with this amount of rest time that he had already, anyone that saw Luhan at the Beijing concerts that he was so desperate to perform, for the last time with exo, would see he looked no better. This couldn’t go on any longer, and if I wanted to keep him in exo, for my own benefit to be able to keep seeing him, that would be selfish of me.
I will never for a second doubt Luhan’s love and dedication to Exo. one of the most admirable things about Luhan has been his determination and his commitment to the group. No-one can ever, ever say that luhan didn’t do his absolute best for them at all times. he embraced every day and opportunity and stage with a bright smile, but in that time of doing what was best for the group, Luhan’s selflessness may not have been what was best for himself and for his health. Luhan’s commitment comes in many forms and one thing i won’t forget is how he has faced his fears and battled his demons countless times to put on a good performance or strong appearance, for us. whether it was the countless flights that dominated Exo’s daily lives, being suspended from the top of a stage with little to hold onto, taking a cable car to name just a few things, events that us fans have witnessed; they may seem easy to a lot of people, but they were a big struggle for Luhan and he still persevered and I am so incredibly grateful and in awe of him for this attitude. No one can say that he didn’t try to live with these obstacles that have made him unhappy, because he did and he managed to overcome them but no-one should have to tolerate that kind of anxiety, and definitely not longterm. The psychological stress of fear can make people so physically ill and people should never think lightly of it.
These seemingly small effects of idol life, have built up to really have a damaging impact on Luhan and this is why we are in this position now. His deterioration in health is a painful thing to watch or even think about as a fan. there were signs from the early days that luhan is someone who gets sick easily; often coughing, wearing thermals, even his friends said he was this way. like the other members, he suffered from physical injuries with no opportunity to properly recover; but he bravely soldiered on, not only because his schedule and contract forced him to, but because he would never, ever want to disappoint anyone.
And now, my admiration for Luhan extends further to how he has approached leaving Exo. Luhan has made it bearable for me through his constant thoughtfulness and consideration to make us accept and understand. Even while he is leaving, I still have to thank and praise him for the way he has done so. I can accept that Luhan is leaving Exo with a stronger heart than I knew I had, and recover from this quicker than I thought I ever would be able to, because every way he has approached this has been so true to the Luhan I know and love so much. Thank you eternally.
Luhan had given notice, spoke up for himself with honesty when he couldn’t attend the lost planet concerts in Thailand. You didn’t have to be sorry. He wanted to be the one to explain himself with the fans in his mind always. It was at this time, I continued to trust in him so heavily that whatever happened, he would be doing everything in his power to make this as painless as it could be for all of us. Thank you for your honesty and sincerity. Luhan worked hard to complete all promotions, to complete the tour, with the most awe-inspiring motivation and commitment. You can rest easy now, you did your best, you don’t need to do anymore.
And with the simple words, 我回家了 (i’m home) and I just wanna all of you to know that i love you all (your english is cute, i’ll miss it.) Thank you for always remembering us and knowing just what we need to hear, even the international fans. Luhan didn’t stay silent like I was so fearful of, those few words were powerful and comforting enough to me to know that everything is going to be alright.
One of the saddest things is how much I know Exo means to Luhan. from the beginning when he would doodle Exo’s logo backstage, or proudly introduce himself as Exo’s Luhan, and be at his most comfortable and confident when surrounded by the boys he can call his brothers, who casually treat him as one of their own age with no formalities. the support of the Exo members has made things even clearer that this decision that Luhan has made is the best for him and his future, even if it hurts for now. At the Beijing concerts where they clung to him knowingly, smiled at him reassuringly, laughed with him continuously, they are somewhat painful scenes for me to look at right now, but i’m grateful for Exo and their support. You looked after your hyung well. Thank you.
Because of all this, I know that Luhan exhausted every other alternative before making this decision. I know that it is not Exo you had to leave, but it was SM. Luhan is committed to Exo to the point that he has suffered for longer than he should have, his decision was recent, this is all a reflection on how much he pushed himself to try and make this work, to try and find any other way to stay or continue as normal. Luhan who obviously loves Exo so much and was truly happy with the members, has made this difficult decision to leave, despite Exo’s success and despite his friendships. Please remember his love for them and understand that his circumstances, both health-wise and his contract requirements, were just too much for him to bear any longer. Please support him and Exo. They all deserve it.
There are things ahead that will be hard and that are yet to dawn on me. Exo are so important to me as well as Luhan, so when that connection between the two things I love most on earth is broken of course it hurts. When Exo make a comeback it will hurt me not to see Luhan with them, I’ll never be able to buy a new Exo album with him as a part of it. It hurts when it truly sinks in that actually, as unlikely as it ever was to begin with, that I will never be able to see him for myself or be part of that golden ocean. There was still lots of things I had daydreamed about and had to look forward to, but those things can’t happen anymore, at least not with Exo. There will be days when truths like this break my heart, but I must remain positive, we must all remain positive and trust in Luhan and remember the importance of his happiness.
Thank you so much to Exo for being so supportive of Luhan at this time. You all made this ordeal much easier, knowing that you respect Luhan this much and you see his health and happiness as more important than the progression of Rxo as eleven. I will continue to support the ten of you at this time and into the future, as long as you make your wonderful music, I will be here. Thank you for taking care of Luhan and for treating him as a brother and best friend, I know he loves you all so much and will miss you dearly. I will miss seeing you all together so much it hurts. You have been part of the happy memories I have with Luhan. I love you all so much. I hope that you are all dealing with this well and that your own lives are bringing you the happiness and content that each of you deserve. I only hope that each of you boys can stay as strong and healthy and take time to help yourselves.
Thank you lao gao for being by Luhan’s side throughout his life as his best friend, for speaking up on his behalf when he cannot, for protecting him and never abandoning him. I trust that you and Luhan’s family and friends will take good care of him in ways that as fans we never could. Luhan, it has been a privilege and a joy to be able to say that i have loved and supported you from the beginning of your journey as an Exo member. I will look back at your time with Exo fondly with so many memories and feelings. there are so many beautiful, wonderful things I cannot forget and will treasure long into the future. I’ve watched you improve and perfect yourself every day and become a truly inspirational and talented artist who I am immensely proud of. I swear that every stage you stood on, you shone a little brighter each time. With vocal cords of gold to match your heart, your voice often moves me to tears and i am sure it will continue to do so for years to come.
Dearest Luhan, who constantly makes us stop and rethink that you are not just a pretty face, not just just a doe-eyed boy. I’ve watched your dreams come true; from sharing a pitch with a manchester united player and being a football superstar for a day, to becoming a world record holder, to simply becoming part of kpop history with Exo. Now I must look forward to new dreams, new opportunities and a new beginning as your fan. My identity as a fan of Exo’s Luhan is the most important thing I’ve had in my life for the last two and a half years but the time has come that I must continue to support you as just Luhan; and with whatever lies ahead, I want to support you with everything I have in whatever you decide to do. I can only take this time away from you as an opportunity to improve myself and my own life, with you as my everlasting inspiration, to become a fan and person that you could be proud of. You have unknowingly been there as my guiding light, motivation or simply a pleasant distraction in so many aspects of my life for all this time. Your smile warms my heart and you have been the brightest star on my darkest days. You have brought me friends, a sense of family, a sense of belonging. You have given me confidence, ambition and hope. You have been the one constant in my life to bring me happiness everyday, just by being yourself.
I hope that when I see you again, that behind those glossy eyes and sparkling smile, there is no more hurt, just pure happiness and content. Enjoy this time being with the ones you love most. I wish you all the luck in the world. I will be here, patient and loyal. I won’t give up my love and support for you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being my hero and inspiration and for everything else. Thank you for being you, Lu Han. I love you always and forever.
我爱你.
The boy who never grew up once said
‘never say goodbye because saying goodbye means
going away and going away means forgetting.’
to my very own Peter Pan; Lu han, this is not goodbye, I will never forget.
-Mina<3
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